Hey Arnold! Season 6: Couples Only
by Cre8ivelybankrupt87
Summary: Rhonda is throwing a party strictly for guests attending with dates, just as Arnold is finally getting fed up with Helga still rebuking him in public. After a tiff, Helga seeks out some advice on relationships from about the least likely source.
1. Keeping Up Appearances

With the dawning of another school day for the kids of PS118, Helga Pataki stood staring into a mirror in her locker, straightening the pink bow atop her head. She smiled at her reflection, feeling unusually pleased with herself. In her mind she began to fondly fantasize about her personal muse.

_Oh Arnold, Fortuna has smiled upon us and has intertwined our once diverging paths, setting us forward on a path toward eventual marital bliss. Premature is it of me to presume such a fate? Nay I say to you oh doubt, for I have seen the future when I look into your illustrious green eyes, and that future is Arnold and-_

"Helga?" an unwanted voice snapped her out of her blissful little world.

As she slammed her locker shut, Helga beheld the face of Rhonda Wellington Lloyd, school fashionista, gossip queen and constant thorn in her side.

"I've been calling your name forever here, but you've been completely lost in space." Rhonda said, "Anyway, here, this is for you."

She handed Helga a small fancy looking envelope, who simply stared at it unimpressed.

"Did the bathroom run out of toilet paper?" Helga asked, "What's this?"

Rhonda grumbled in disgust, "It's an invitation to my very exclusive couples ball, Helga. I thought you might like to come."

Helga looked at Rhonda with a cocked eyebrow. She and Rhonda weren't exactly on easy terms most of the time and wondered what her angle was. More concerning was her choice of words.

"What's all this couples business?" Helga asked, "I gotta bring a date or something?"

"That's right." Rhonda said, "So if there's some special boy you'd like to ask, you're more than welcome to attend."

The sparkle in Rhonda's eye was slightly unnerving. Helga had kept her budding relationship with Arnold more or less a secret from everyone in school, save for a select privvy few. Rhonda was not among those people, and for good reason. She wasn't dubbed the school gossip queen for her discreteness.

"Thanks, I'll pass." Helga said, "This chick is out for herself. No man's ever gonna claim this wild heart."

Rhonda didn't look convinced, but nonetheless turned her nose upward and said, "Fine. Ingrate." And she turned on her heel and strutted away to hand out other invites.

"That was close," Helga said, "Helga you are one master of tact."

Some time later, Arnold walked alongside Helga down the halls between classes. In his hand he held a card Rhonda had slipped him earlier which he was just now reading.

"Looks like Rhonda's throwing another party." Arnold said, looking at the card.

"Looks like I never cared about those before, and wonder why I should be bothered to care now." Helga responded curtly, snapping her gum.

"But look," Arnold held up his invitation, "It's a couples only party. Everyone gets to bring a date."

Helga glared at him. "I'm busy that night." she said.

"You don't even know what night it is." Arnold said.

"I'm fully committed this week." she said.

"It's next week." Arnold corrected.

"Fine. I just don't wanna." Helga crossed her arms and looked away.

"Well… why not?" Arnold asked.

"You're not dumb, Arnoldo," she snorted, "Despite all evidence to the contrary."

"Ha, ha," Arnold rolled his eyes, "You're really still embarrassed by us?"

"Not embarrassed." she said, "Just don't want everyone to be jealous. Not their business. What they don't know can't hurt you."

The two of them ducked around a corner as Arnold made sure the coast was clear. No eyewitnesses in sight.

"Besides, isn't it far more romantic having to be all secretive about it, my love?" she asked.

"Come on, Helga." Arnold urged, taking her hand, "Why not just be open? I'm… I'm proud to be with you."

"Proud?" Helga said in a wobbly voice as her eyes became huge. She let loose one of her customary swooning noises.

Arnold inclined his head and closed his eyes. Helga in return closed her eyes and puckered up. Standing up on his toes Arnold tried to reach her lips but felt nothing in return. He opened one eye and saw Helga looking down at him but not lowering her head to his level. Suddenly she burst out laughing at his inability to reach her.

"Very funny, Helga." Arnold groaned.

"It really is… don't worry, short man, your first growth spurt is probably just around the corner." she laughed, "You might make it up to my level by the time we're twenty. See ya in the funny papers, bucko."

With that she spun around and headed off to join Phoebe and the other girls, leaving Arnold staring after her with a half-lidid scowl.

"This is the girl I've chosen to love…" he muttered to himself.

To his right appeared his friend Gerald who placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I think she chose you, buddy." Gerald said.

"I'm just tired of all the sneaking around," Arnold shook his head. "She still wants this all to be a big secret after all this time. And I wish she'd at least stop lording her height over me all the time."

"You're dating Helga G. Pataki." Gerald pointed out, "You were courting that kind of abuse the moment you two became a thing."

"Yeah, well," Arnold said, "Maybe we won't be much longer. I'm not sure how much more of this is worth it. I really thought after the whole jungle incident she'd have changed a little. Now she's just so unpredictable. One minute she'll be really nice, and the next it's like she's back to her old charming self. Between her split personality and all this secrecy, it's just stressing me out."

"Mm, mm, mm, well we can't have a stressed out Arnold. The school would fall. C'mon, let's get your mind off love for a while." Gerald said sympathetically as the two of them headed off for their homes. From behind a nearby garbage can, Helga who secretly hadn't left at all poked her head out and scowled.

"Hmm, Arnold." she grumbled, "Has the privilege to be the object of my affections and still has the nerve to complain about it. What an ingrate, and yet… how can he not be? Oh Arnold, you poor gentle soul, intertwined with a sadistic freak who still enjoys seeing you in pain as much as seeing you happy… he's so right. Why haven't I turned over a new leaf in all this time? Must I forever be this hot mess who would rather doom herself to a life of loneliness, than just brave a few moments of affection at the risk of ridicule from people who don't even matter? Even now that he's seen through the guise, still I treat him like slime. Oh Arnold, what did I ever do to deserve your love? Aside from, you know, saving your parents and all… that was pretty big of me."

Helga abruptly halted her monologue as she felt hot air blowing across the back of her neck, accompanied by an unnerving but all to familiar nasally sound.

"Uh… hi…" came the voice of her omnipresent stalker Brainy from behind her.

As was their custom, he had snuck up behind her in an intensely personal moment, and now received his usual reward for his trouble in the form of her fist sharply connected to his face.


	2. Picking Brainy's Brain

Later that same day, after the school bell had rung and students were exiting the building, Arnold spotted Helga over by the drinking fountain and headed towards her. Before he reached her however he was cut off by a certain party hostess.

"Oh, Arnold?" Rhonda called out to him as she stepped in his path.

"Uh, hi Rhonda." Arnold said, "Thanks for the invitation earlier."

"Oh, happy to have you as always, you're such a dear, Arnold." she said, pulling out her smart phone, "I'm just going over the RSVP list. Safe to assume you're coming?"

"Yeah." Arnold said, "Sounds like fun."

"And who will be joining you as your… other half?" she asked.

"I… I have a date." Arnold insisted. He looked over at Helga who had glanced up from the drinking fountain and was now glaring at him, "It's just a… secret."

"Well, who is it?" Rhonda asked, "I need a name or I simply can't have you on the list."

"It's um, well it's…" Arnold looked over at Helga who was desperately giving him a cutthroat gesture and gnashing her teeth threateningly. Arnold sighed in defeat, "I guess I'm going stag."

"I'm terribly sorry, Arnold, but this is a couples only party." Rhonda said, "I can't have any singles, or they would simply feel left out."

"Which is why you're… leaving me out?" Arnold asked skeptically, "Just another excuse to exclude people, huh Rhonda?"

"Oh not at all." Rhonda shook her head, before placing a hand on his shoulder, "It's just the theme, and I have to stick with it. Besides, how depressing would it be for those poor lonely hearts to have a bunch of couples rubbing their happiness in their faces. The thought of it is simply unbearable… it would break my heart."

"How noble of you…" Arnold said ironically.

"I'll have other parties and you'll be more than welcome to attend. And if you happen to come up with a date, then we can talk."

"Whatever you say, Rhonda." Arnold muttered as Rhonda walked away.

Helga at last stepped out of hiding and snickered.

"Another narrowly avoided disaster, courtesy of Helga G. Pataki," She said victoriously, "You're welcome."

"I'm welcome?" Arnold asked bitterly.

"Well yeah, now you don't have to go to Rhonda's dumb little fancy pants get together and we can just hang out instead." she said. "We can hit a movie, your treat of course, nothing on the cheap, and then maybe-"

"You can hang out by yourself." Arnold shook his head and glowered at her, "You know, Helga? If you want to play this stupid game more than actually be close to me, fine. But that's all there's going to be between us if that's the case."

Helga's brow shot upward in surprise. Arnold sounded deadly serious, much more so than he ever had before.

"Arnold?" She asked fearfully, "Come on… I'm just, you know… having fun… I just don't want anyone else to get the wrong idea about…"

"If that's your idea of fun, then just count me out," he said, "I've had enough of the games; you being nice one minute and then mean whenever anyone's looking, and I'm tired of keeping this all a secret. See you when you decide one way or the other."

And without another word he turned and walked away. Helga held out her hand in protest but he didn't see it, and so she simply drooped in defeat.

"Oh Arnold… what have I done?" she wailed, and pulled out her locket bearing Arnold's picture, "This fragile ego of mine may have cost me the very thing that treasure most dear in this whole beautiful stupid world… if only I knew how to be honest with myself. If only I could stop living this lie! If only someone could show me how to be open about my unabashed passion for-"

The eerie sound of Brainy's wheezing again filled her ears as it cut short her melodramatic musing. She turned to the unwelcome intruder and growled.

"You just never get tired of this, do you?" she raised her fist, but suddenly an insane idea occurred to her, "Wait a minute… actually, you're just the man I want to see right now. C'mere, you and I need to talk."

Brainy looked distinctly taken aback, "Uh… talk?" he said in his low nasally monotone.

"Yeah, talk." Helga repeated, "Or we'll just communicate through a series of grunts and whistles until you make it up to words."

Helga more or less dragged Brainy to a picnic table at the park and sat him down where no one could see or hear them.

"I mean it Brainy, you're always so unapologetically open about your feelings. And while I've never appreciated the eves dropping, or that frankly terrifying breathing, I think there's something refreshingly honest about you. I just have to ask… well, how do you do it? How are you so open about how you feel?"

"Uh… I dunno…" Brainy shrugged.

Helga stood up and paced back and forth, clasping her hands behind her back as she spoke, "I mean, look at you. You don't exactly look like the picture of confidence, even with that mustache thing you've got going on now, and yet time and time again you have the courage to show your true and unwelcome affection for me. How do you do it in the face of constant rejection and risk of ridicule?"

Brainy just stared right back at her with a blank expression. Even his heavy breathing had gone silent.

"Oh Brainy, if only I had your wisdom when it came to being open and honest…" Helga sighed, thinking back to their experience in San Lorenzo, "I didn't have time to dwell on it but… you were the absolute hero of our whole jungle misadventure. You did all that just for me… because you knew to whom my heart belonged to, and even though it wasn't you… you still risked it all to help me. You rescued my locket, you painstakingly and implausibly gathered every last piece of the picture and mended it… just to help the one you loved, even though you knew I could never return your affections."

Brainy smiled creepily. Helga groaned, not sure what else she had expected him to do.

"Don't get any funny ideas, golden hero." she pointed a finger at him, "You know who I really love… oh but why can't I be better to him? Why can't I just shout to the world the name of the boy I love instead of keeping up this age old pointless facade?"

"Uh…" Brainy murmured.

"Yes, I guess it's because people might mock me… were they to see my defenses lowered, who then would I be if not Helga Pataki the dreaded? They'd walk all over me like a cheap doormat…" she lamented.

"Um…" Brainy again murmured.

"Oh what is this… this crazy feeling called love… is it even love?" Helga asked, "If I loved him wouldn't I be better to him? Oh… do I even understand what love really is?"

"Uh… well, I guess…" Brainy at last spoke up in a low monotone, "I'd say that love is an otherworldly intangible sensation that even science can't fully explain, because often there is no logical or rational explanation for it. It's a mysterious and magical force that overtakes a lucky few, for very few people ever experience true love in their entire lives. When it does find us, it drives us to acts we wouldn't normally find the courage to undertake. Logic and reasoning no longer enter into the mind, for when you truly love someone you no longer fear the world, you only feel passion, and that passion gives your true self permission to shine through the veil. Love manifests in many ways, but true love always trumps our fears; the fears we hold for lesser things in this world that so often hold us back, the things that try to make cowards of us all. Love is a feeling of true liberation, for when you truly feel love, you are no longer fettered by your own ego, insecurities and desires, and your sole purpose becomes living for another. You will know when you feel true love because you forget yourself entirely. Your own wants and needs are rendered moot, and you find yourself willing to do anything for the sake of the one for whom your heart beats. Your heart overrides your brain and guides your very actions, leading you down a path lesser people fear to tread. It is a dangerous road, no doubt, but love makes you feel invincible and immortal, if only in the moment, and it will guide you."

Helga could only manage to blink. The pause that followed Brainy's unexpected monologue felt palpable enough for the two of them to swim in. If not held in place by muscle and flesh, Helga's jaw would have fallen to the floor, but it still gaped open wide as a whale's maw filtering krill. She had seen and heard many impossible and possibly supernatural things in her young life, and everything from the hidden city of the Greeneyes to the ghost train paled in comparison to what she had just heard from Brainy. The boy could barely speak words most of the time, and yet he had just spoken more eloquent and wise words than most adults in her life ever had, and his words held more truth and inspiration for her than she had ever heard from anyone or anything in her life.

"What… did you… say…?" Helga at last asked.

Brainy's eyes darted back and forth as he said, "Uh… I don't know… just uh… blue skying. And you should also uh… have self respect… or something."

"You… you beautiful, wonderful little creep. I know… I know now what I must do…" Helga stood up, with the fire of determination burning in her eyes as she ran off to make her preparations, leaving Brainy sitting alone. She briefly ran back and grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt. "Yeah, yeah, Arnold and I are on a break at the moment, so… here you go." and with that she planted a big wet kiss on his lips before running on her way.


	3. Why Must I Be a Psychotic Freak in Love?

That evening back at the Sunset Arms, Arnold sat at his desk trying to focus on his schoolwork, but was having little success. He had too much else on his mind, or rather one overwhelming thing. He felt bad about telling Helga off given everything she had done for him, but still felt justified for standing up for himself. His already loose concentration was broken by the sound of the boarding house phone ringing from downstairs.

"Sunset Arms Boarding House." he heard the voice of his grandmother Gertie say. "Why Eleanor! How nice of you to call. A tad late, but a delightful surprise all the same."

Eleanor. Arnold knew what that name meant in the Gertiese language. He felt himself tense up immediately.

"Why of course, I'll put him on for you." the old woman replied, "Hey, Arnold!"

Arnold headed downstairs and saw his grandma offering him the phone.

"You have a lady on the line, hotshot." she teased, "Keep it G-rated."

"Grandma…" Arnold rolled his eyes.

"All right, PG, but not a rating higher. You are only twelve." she said walking away laughing.

"Hello…?" Arnold asked knowingly.

"Arnold!" Helga's voice squeaked, "I mean… what do you want football head?"

Arnold paused, slightly dumbfounded.

"You called me…" he said flatly at last.

"You can't prove that! I mean, right, yeah so I did," Helga laughed uncomfortably, "I uh just wanted to um, you know, check in and see how things are with you. I mean, it's been a while since we've really talked."

"We just talked a few hours ago," Arnold retorted.

"Well, no but that was… uh, you know, the other me." she said, "The bad Helga. The one who just um… oh criminey, Arnold? Can I… can I come see you? I can't do this over the phone."

"It's kind of late, Helga, can whatever you have to say wait-"

"No it can't!" Helga shouted, "It's been waiting too long and it's not fair to you to keep you waiting any longer! You have to hear me out now!"

"Um, all right…" Arnold said confusedly, "Should I come meet you or-"

"No, no, just wait in your room." Helga said, "I'll be there before you know it."

She hung up on him abruptly. Arnold sighed and headed back to his room. The thought of Helga dropping in this late would be awkward to explain to his parents, but as soon as he returned to his attic he realized he didn't have to. With her face pressed against the glass skylight, there knelt Helga atop his roof, holding a cell phone and looking down at him with a rather deranged expression. True to her word, she was there before he knew it. Wondering why she'd even bothered to call, Arnold felt the distinct instinct to call the police and finally bring her up on stalking charges. Giving into his more forgiving nature however, he climbed up the steps, unlatched his roof window and beckoned for her to come inside.

"Come on in." he said, helping her down the steps, "Don't make too much noise, I'm not sure mom and dad would be thrilled to find you here after hours…"

Helga rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly and avoided eye contact with him.

"I uh…" she stuttered, "I-I'm not really sure where to start. I've got a lot to say but it's all kind of a jumble. I wanna make sure it all comes out right… so sit down, this could take a while."

"Alright…" Arnold murmured, sitting down at his desk, "Take your time, I guess."

"Quit rushing me, football head! I mean… okay, Arnold… first I wanted to say that I'm… I'm really sorry for alienating you. I shouldn't have done that. And I want you to know that, I'm not embarrassed by you… far from it. If anything I should be holding your hand in public with pride. And I actually want to, I really do. It's just whenever I'm near you out in the open… I get butterflies in my stomach and…" she sniffled, "I'm just not ready for people to see that side of me. You know, the real me. The sappy, mushy, flowery embarrassing me. Sure, the real me is nice and all but… she's also afraid. I've cultivated this tough image over the years, and maybe no one likes me for it, but at least they don't give me any trouble. If everyone saw I was just a big softie they'd… well, who knows what they'd do. I'm just not ready for that."

Arnold nodded. He hadn't really considered it from that perspective. Helga always appeared so fearless he hadn't considered just how frightening it must have been for her to open up.

"Alright, fine." Arnold muttered.

"No, listen Arnold, I mean really listen." Helga asserted, "Far be it from me to tell you what the right thing to do is, but you have to understand my position. I- I want us to be together, I do. I've wanted that since I was barely out of diapers, and someday I want us to be able to just hold hands and do all that lovey dovey junk, and everyone can watch and wish they had what we have, but I'm just not ready yet, and I think… I think if you really like me like me then... you'd respect that."

Arnold remained stoic and silent, which didn't encourage Helga, but didn't stop her.

"Arnold, I… I love you. I know I've said it before, and maybe you don't believe me now, but I really love you." she insisted, "It took me forever to tell you that, but I still need time for it to be public knowledge. This isn't as easy as I always hoped it would be... because the way I feel about you goes way deeper than the average schoolgirl like you like you sort of crush... it's something that's so deeply personal that I... I'm just scared of anyone else seeing it, because it's such a deep part of who I am." Helga almost smiled, but then lowered her head, "I'm sorry. See I… I also may have this fundamental fear of rejection. Or so the shrink told me. You know how my family is, they just kind of ignore me and that's always made me feel invisible. And that's why I'm so… Helga all the time. I just grab for whatever attention I can get, usually of the negative variety because it's easier. But I also don't let anyone get too close to me, and when they do I always reject them before they can reject me… that's why I treat you like I do when people are watching. I'm just kind of a pin cushion of defense mechanisms. And for that… I'm sorry."

Arnold said nothing. He stared at her with those piercing green eyes that had tortured her for years with their unobtainable sublimity. Her own blue eyes stared straight back into his, not angrily as usual but with utmost sincerity and vulnerability. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"No." he said at last, "You don't have to be sorry. I think I understand. And I'm sorry if I rushed things."

Arnold smiled and offered her his hand. With no one around to see them, Helga took his hand without a moments hesitation. A flash of warmth crossed her cheeks and she turned her head away from him sheepishly.

"I just… I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about you, now that the whole jungle incident is over." Arnold said, "I wanted to show you I was serious and what we shared in San Lorenzo wasn't just 'the heat of the moment' or anything. I'm sorry if I crossed a line. I just wanted to prove to you how I felt."

"Yeah?" Helga inclined her head.

"Yeah." Arnold said.

"Yeah…?" Helga repeated.

"Yeah." Arnold said again.

"Yeah, so prove it is my point." Helga said with a grin.

Arnold turned red and quickly tried to change the subject.

"Um, so, this is my room, while we're at it." he said, gesturing around.

"Yep. Looks just like I remember." Helga sighed.

Arnold raised an eyebrow, "Like you remember?"

"Uh… from my uh… dreams. You know, it's like I dreamt it would be." Helga sputtered, "It's a weird but cool little dwelling. Fitting for you."

"Uh huh." Arnold said, sounding unconvinced.

"I mean, you don't think I've actually been here before or something…" She said as she grabbed the remote and activated Arnold's couch, then hopped onto it, "This place is all new to me."

"Except that time you fell out of the wall and then-"

"I was lost! I took a wrong turn and ended up in a wall, and… also that wasn't me, and… it was a ghost, and I don't know anything about it." Helga spouted several contradictory explanations.

"Whatever you say," Arnold shrugged.

She looked at him with that same impish look in her eye from before. "C'mon Arnold… waiting for you to… cross that line again…"

"Uh…" Arnold reluctantly sat down on the couch next to her and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. Finally he leaned over and inclined his head toward her. Suddenly Arnold's bedroom door flew open.

"Hey, Arnold!" his mother Stella entered the room carrying a tray with a mug of hot tea, "I know you're working late so I made you some- oh!"

Stella gasped when she saw Arnold and Helga lying on the couch about to lock lips.

"Mom!" Arnold gasped as he sprang off the couch like a grasshopper. "Knock next time!"

"Uh, hello Helga." Stella waved, "Nice to see you again-"

Helga jumped up and gave a scouts salute as she shouted, "You're son's virtue remains untou-"

"No, no, no! It's fine! Don't let me interrupt!" Stella insisted as she stepped backwards out the door.

"Huh?" Both Arnold and Helga gasped.

"Well…" Stella awkwardly tried to put on a stern motherly act, "Keep it G-rated! I trust you…"

Stella abruptly closed the door on the two dumbfounded kids. Helga looked at Arnold with a devious grin on her face.

"Your mom is so cool." she said.

"What did she mean by that?" Arnold scratched his head.  
Helga smirked at him, "You poor, sweet, innocent little dope… never change."

With an innocent peck on Arnold's cheek, Helga left the way she came in much to his relief. Not that he didn't want her around, but having her in his room alone at night was a step too far for him at this stage. He did feel somewhat saddened that they wouldn't be able to attend Rhonda's party, but he felt he now better understood Helga's position. In the end, they had found solace in one another and that was all that really mattered. For now he could be content with that.

* * *

**_Whew. Well, that got pretty heavy. Although... something bothers me about some of Helga's longer lines in this chapter. As I was editing and reviewing this before posting it, I couldn't help but feel that I didn't actually write it and just stole it from someone else... accidentally. I've read a lot of fanfics. If you happen to read this and realize I have stolen your work I will send you a handwritten apology written in crayon._**


	4. Say It Loud

The next day, the last few holdouts in the class were eagerly trying to find dates for Rhonda's big party. Sid and Stinky observed as Peapod and Nadine walked by hand in hand, smiling dreamily.

"Garsh, Sid, looks like love is in the air." Stinky mused

"Yeah, with just about everybody around here but us." Sid agreed.

"I mean, we're twelve now, we'd better start making our move or we could end up a pair of lonely old bachelors." Stinky said.

"You really think so?"

"Yep." Stinky nodded, just as he noticed Lila rounding the corner, "Especially if we wanna go to Rhonda's party. Oh what the heck, ya only live once… Lila?"

"Um, yes Stinky?" Lila asked cautiously.

"I was just wondering, if you're not busy… would you maybe consider joining me for Rhonda's ball?"

Lila looked distinctly surprised, "Oh, well gosh, Stinky I… um, whatever happened to Gloria?"

"I reckon I ain't too sure… our first date went pretty well." Stinky scratched his head, "But then it was as if she just vanished into thin air like some kind of specter and I never saw her again. She's a distant memory now." Stinky knelt down before Lila, "I know I may not be much more than a simple ol' country bumpkin, but I have a lot to offer. I promise to be a gentleman and treat you with the respect a classy lady like you deserves."

Lila blushed, "Gosh… well. Okay, Stinky. I suppose that could be ever so fun…"

Stinky couldn't believe his ears, "Really? Hot dog!" He jumped up and down, whooping and hollering for joy, but quickly regained his composure. "Excuse my outburst, ma'am. Sometimes I get a little demonstrative when I'm excited."

Lila giggled, clearly finding Stinky's little display endearing. Sid watched the two of them walk off together and glanced around the halls, "Guess I'd better get busy…"

In the cafeteria later, Rhonda loudly checked over her guest list.

"Let's see, we have Nadine and Peapod, Harold and Patty, Gerald and Phoebe, Eugene and Sid… excuse me, Eugene and Sheena, me and… well, we'll get to that part… um…"

"Ya'll can add Miss Lila and me to that list now, Rhonda." Stinky said.

"Really? You and Lila?" Rhonda asked in surprise, "Well, all right… how low her standards have fallen…"

Helga and Arnold overheard the conversation from their table not far away. Gerald and Phoebe gave them a look.

"I can't believe even I've got a date!" Stinky exclaimed, "Can you imagine if I had gone through life to afraid to express my true feelings? That'd be a right sorry state of affairs. I could've ended up a lonely and bitter recluse, just hiding behind trash cans confiding my pent up feelings to some inanimate object."

Helga's brow furrowed.

"Stinky, that is by far and a way the most pathetic thing I've ever heard in my life…" Rhonda shook her head, "Fortunately no one is really that pitiful in real life."

"Helga, you've crushed your sandwich…" Phoebe noted, pointing to the raspberry jelly running down Helga's hands making it look like she had just crushed some small animal to death in her hands.

"Sorry, I was just imagining it was someone's throat…" Helga muttered.

Suddenly Rhonda turned her attention to their table, "Arnold, I just thought I'd ask, have you acquired a date?"

Arnold looked at Helga out of his periphery, who wasn't betraying any emotion one way or the other. He sighed, "I guess… I don't have one."  
"Then I'm sorry, Arnold, but the dance is for couples only and unless you have a date then I'm afraid you simply can't attend.

"Fine Rhonda. I don't really want to go anyway." Arnold grumbled.

"It's really nothing personal, it's just the red tape. But I'll have other parties for people going stag, like yourself. Sorry, Arnold. And Helga? I take it you still have no interest in going with anyone?"

"Does my fist count?" Helga asked, "Cuz Old Betsy and I are pretty tight, but she wants an open relationship if you're looking for something to smooch…"

"I'll take that as a maybe." Rhonda sighed and started to walk away.

Arnold too, got up from the table started to walk away as Gerald and Phoebe looked on in concern, wanting to say something but not knowing what.

Harold started to jeer in Arnold's direction, "Aw, look! Poor Arnold's all on his own and can't go to Rhonda's party! Ha, ha!"

Some other kids started to join in laughing with Harold. Helga looked back and forth between Arnold and the crowd. Something about this seemed hauntingly familiar as she felt torn between Arnold and the crowd. Flashing back to when she was very young, she remembered the exact moment that she had first adopted her tough guise, after she had briefly shown just a little affection for Arnold resulting in ridicule from her peers. Now she looked at poor Arnold being jeered at for being alone, and suddenly a new feeling washed over her.

_I've also seen you be really loyal and super brave._

Arnold's words moments before revealing his true feelings for her echoed in her head. The kids were taunting him for being alone, and somehow she was still afraid of being taunted for the exact opposite reason. She felt a protective instinct, not for herself but for Arnold, and she knew she had to do something. At last it dawned on her; she had to be crazy not to wear this relationship on her sleeves with pride. Even with the risk of ridicule, what did she care about what anyone else thought? She had long feared being teased for something so deeply personal, but her fear of being rejected by Arnold trumped all other fears, and now that he had accepted her, suddenly just as Brainy had said, all her lesser fears melted away.

"Oh criminey…" she said to herself, readying to finally take the plunge. "Like ripping off a bandaid, Helga old girl… it'll hurt less if you just do it…"

Helga abruptly stood up, marched over to Arnold and grabbed his hand, stopping him cold in his tracks. The air was abruptly sucked out of the entire cafeteria as everyone beheld Helga and Arnold holding hands.

"Boy howdy." said Sid

"Madame fortress mommy!" Harold gasped.

"Willikers." Stinky scratched his head, then turned to Harold and asked, "Wait, what does that even mean?"

"Well I must say this is a terribly, terribly interesting development." Peapod said with a smile.

"Well, well, well…" Rhonda said, placing her hands on her hips.

"Alright, princess. Put football head back on the list. He's got himself a date." Helga declared, "And it's not some girl who isn't me." Helga said firmly.

"Well, well, well." Rhonda repeated.

"Well, well what?" Helga shouted, "Yeah. I… I like Arnold. In fact you could say I like him a lot. And why shouldn't I? He's only basically the best person any of us know. He's saved all our butts in one way or another at some point, so what's not to love?"

Another awkward silence filled the room.

"Love?" Rhonda asked, unaware she had just triggered an explosion.

"Yeah, that's right. Love. LOVE!" Helga shouted, now on a roll, "I love him! Look at this adorably oblong head of his, those unruly tufts of golden hair that shimmer in the sunlight, those sea of green eyes that I get to swim in deeply as the sea itself, and tell me you're not jealous!" Helga had grabbed Arnold's head, and was tussling his hair and holding his eyelids open as she pointed out these features.

"Uh, Helga…" Arnold murmured.

"Not, now Arnold." she dismissed him, and held him firmly in a headlock, "This stupid, wonderful, divine creature, he makes my senses all go whacky, and at last I'm going to tell the world, surely as my name is Helga G. Pataki… that I... LOVE... ARNOLD!""

The air became deadly still, apart from the sounds of car alarms blaring outside. Not a single student dared move a muscle for fear of provoking Helga like some kind of jungle predator. Slowly kids started exchanging looks in silence.

"Well." Helga said at last, "That feels like a load off with everything out in the open. Guess you were right Arnoldo, keeping it all bottled up was none too healthy. Good thing I've learned to deal with my emotions in a healthy manner and not do anything crazy."

"Yeah, that's a relief." Arnold said, still trapped in her headlock.

From across the room, Lila smiled at Helga encouragingly and Phoebe gave her a thumbs up. Slowly the others started to stir. Ironically it was one of the quieter kids who finally broke the silence.

"Yeah, we all kinda figured." Came the soft voice of Nadine.

"We did?" Stinky asked.

Helga felt a surge of surprise as she gasped, "Huh?"

Rhonda shook her head and stepped closer to her, saying "Oh, Helga. There's been a lot of talk after San Lorenzo, and what school gossip do you think is safe from Rhonda Wellington Lloyd?"

"You make a point…" Helga admitted.

"I mean, you're right." Rhonda shrugged, "Arnold did make the cool list once, after all. The little guy really is a catch and a half."

Helga's expression softened, and she dared a smile. She felt surprised to see the gossip queen sound so supportive, but relieved and validated to have opened herself up without being struck down.

"Though, what he sees in _you_ I can't imagine…" Rhonda mused, ruining the moment.

"Rhonda…" Nadine scolded her.

Helga quickly covered her embarrassment with rage, but at last Arnold stepped forward to quell any potential skirmish.

"Well Rhonda, I'll tell you since you're wondering." Arnold said, listing off on his fingers, "Helga is smart, strong, loyal, passionate… oh, and she blushes in the most adorable way."

Helga's anger quickly turned to abject sheepishness as she turned bright red.

"See what I mean?" Arnold said with a mischievous grin.

"Arnold… shut up…" Helga muttered.

Students who hadn't been in on the secret started murmuring amongst one another. Harold looked as if he was about to taunt the now public couple, but when he looked to Patty and saw her smiling reassuringly, he shrugged and did likewise.

"But… you two are just so… different." Sid pointed out.

"Well, yeah," Arnold said, "But that's just how we kind of work. I'm more the reserved type…"

Helga growled at Sid, "One more word outta you and it might be your last."

"… while Helga is a bit more direct." Arnold said, "And she's done a lot for me. She likes me and I like her. It's as simple as that. And if anyone has any problem with that…"

"Then the only date you'll be kissing will be Old Betsy here." Helga shook her fist in Rhonda's face.

"Um, only kidding… sheesh, don't be so sensitive. You're both on the list."

"I actually think they make a cute pair." Nadine said.

"Just ever so much." Lila added.

"If you're with Arnold, does that mean you're gonna be nicer now, Helga?" Harold asked.

"Well of course it does, you big dumb tub of lard." Helga said dryly.

"Oh, good." Harold said, wiping his forehead, "That's a relief."

Helga and Arnold took each others hands, and she lead him out of the cafeteria and then out the front door of the school.

"Well," Arnold said, "That simplified things. When I said I wanted to be open about us I didn't mean to_ that_ extreme…"

"A little late on the minor details, football head…" Helga muttered, "C'mon. Let's go to Slausen's and do that thing where we drink out of the same milkshake with two straws, and all that other obnoxious stuff couples do in public."

"Helga?" Arnold said, "School's not over yet…"

"Your point?" Helga asked, continually leading him away from the school. Arnold couldn't help but feel he'd created a monster again.


	5. Let 'Em Look

Rhonda outdid herself this time on the party planning. Her house had been more lavishly decorated than usual, and was chockablock with fancy and delicious hors d'oeuvres. As the music blared, all the couples gradually took to the dance floor with varying degrees of awkwardness. Most of them had simply been thrown together just to be able to attend, with a few exceptions. The most glaring exception to all the reluctant kids hitting the dance floor against their will was none other than Helga, dancing rather aggressively even by her standards and shooting dirty looks at every kid whose eyes met hers. This had her dance partner sighing in embarrassment.

"Why did I want this again…?" Arnold asked rhetorically.

Helga grabbed him by his tie and pulled him close, "Let me remind you."

She smiled and locked lips with him. They could both hear a mix of whoops, hollers and laughter all around them. The sound of Harold's voice leading a chorus of "Arnold and Helga sitting in a tree," could be heard, though it was abruptly cut short by a loud grunt from Patty. Releasing him from her lips, Helga finally let Arnold breathe.

From the sidelines Rhonda looked on, shaking her head. Lila stepped over to join her.

"I'm enjoying your party Rhonda, just ever so much." she said, "But… where's your date?"

"Mine?" Rhonda looked around doggedly, "He uh… couldn't make it."

"Oh." Lila said, "For a moment I thought this entire couples only dance might have been some elaborate conspiracy to help Helga get over fear of being judged by the unforgiving masses."

Rhonda tugged at her necklace, "Don't be ridiculous… perish the thought…" She then glanced back over at Arnold and Helga and smiled.

"People are uh… staring." Arnold chuckled sheepishly.

"Let em." Helga said.

Watching from outside stood Brainy, all alone but not lonely. He smiled as he watched his two favorite people shared their affection, openly and unashamedly. He knew in his heart that the girl he had always loved didn't belong with him, but he counted her true happiness as his only objective in life. Helga and Arnold's happiness was his happiness, and that was all he needed in the world, or so he thought. Suddenly over his shoulder he heard the sound of raspy breathing over his shoulder. Brainy turned around and beheld the most beautiful sight he had ever seen, which essentially added up to looking into a mirror, except his reflection had somewhat longer hair and wore a dress.

"Uh… hi." he said.

"Uh… hi." she said back.

The two of them stood in silence and smiled at one another, as the sound of their breathing synchronized. Brainy had enough self-awareness to realize that any normal person on earth would have viewed this little scene as unbearably creepy and weird, but he stood by what he had told Helga about love and he felt no shame. Karma had been kind to him this night, and as he linked hands with his newfound friend they wandered off into the moonlight, two mouth-breathers in love.

The End

* * *

**Oh that Rhonda Lloyd. We know she does like to play matchmaker so I decided to make her the secret hero of this story in the end. As for Brainy… we know from the book "Arnold's E-Files" that he is actually quite smart and eloquent in his writing if nothing else, so I thought it would be funny if just briefly he lets that side of himself show, and in a way where it may or may not have been Helga's imagination… since Brainy himself may or may not be a figment of her imagination, so sayeth the Craig Bartlett. **


End file.
